Where have you been?

I was listening to Mirza Ghalib while driving home from work a few days ago and I was reminded of that version of me who could empathize so deeply with someone's confusion, anguish and even joy. And then I was thinking about where that person might be hiding inside me, that person who did not constantly feel burdened by the nothings of everyday, tired and hungry, forever pining for that cup of cardamom tea and some silent contemplation. The person who liked herself best while savoring words, sentences, paragraphs - woven from thoughts old and new - thoughts she could call her own or thoughts of someone else that spoke to her like they could be her own. 

Sometime ago, I spoke to a dear one who asked when I expect to finish up writing the book that I should start writing - perhaps it was a nudge for acknowledging the me that used words for a soul cleanse. I have not embarked on such an exercise (here, in this space) in such a long time now that I was awestruck by the question itself and surprised by its impact on me. Quite suddenly felt an urgent need to fish that person out from wherever she might be. I read some things I had written several years ago. It is unlikely that I am exactly the same person, unaffected by life and its learnings. But, it was reassuring to find similarities between what I had written and what I am now. 

Recently, finally, I earned my Doctorate. After being unable to be done the first time, I had enrolled in a different program at a different university, solely relying on the confidence of everyone around me. This time around, there was more honesty in my purpose for wanting to do research - it was not just as an escape from what I did not want to do. Also this time, it was not the only thing I was doing - there were additional and entirely new aspects of marriage, motherhood, work and money-related realities holding me close. 

Among all the things that make life beautiful is the fact that everything is on a sliding scale - meaning the calibration for what is happening in the present moment is informed by all the moments previous to this one. One cannot help but feel grateful for this superpower. 

My PhD is being celebrated in different parts of the world! ("We always knew...", "..coming your way sooner or later..", "... what an accomplishment..."). Someone asked if I feel vindicated now. I thought about it and finally arrived at my answer - no. "why?" ... because the two attempts are separate events for me - I am not the same person, my expectations were not the same, my approach was not the same. I was (am) more humble, more aware, more certain. 

To the universe and my friends: ( I wrote this as part of my acknowledgement) "thank you for lending me your strength when you found me lacking"

As Swadha turns five.

My Swadha has completed five whole revolutions around the sun - she is now a five-year old girl. I wear my motherhood with confidence and pride that is an order of magnitude greater than anything else that I am now or have the ability to be in the future. 

As I sit down to write about this big event in my journals - in Hindi (in my dairy using a pen and a surprised set of muscles in my right hand and wrist); and in English (in this virtual infinite space where the delete button has blunted my sense of frugality with words and offers the luxury of refining a sentence till I hear resonance), I am reminded of this video where a parent expresses the gratitude he feels for his son reaching five years of age by traversing the path to the village temple on his hands. A city girl wonders about the reason for this fuss and is told of its significance. And she nods in understanding. Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7vZzIjSCoQ

Life has the ability to be so chaotic, noisy and rushed. Swadha changes the aperture and the scene transforms into one of joy, beauty and music. I marvel about how completely she experiences emotions - any emotion she encounters: the happy-hop for her banana shake (with a twisty straw) or her sense of accomplishment for riding her bicycle without her daddy holding the seat, or her annoyance on the three-game limit on a newspaper website or her distress about the flavor of her toothpaste.  

As she opened her birthday gifts, she found her brand new digital camera and a protective case (in her favorite colors). She processed what this meant ("I am now free to take as many photos and videos as I want!" "I don't need to ask about borrowing a phone to take pictures!") and waited patiently while the battery was plugged-in for charging. Then she taught herself the functionalities of her camera within the next hour, with little help from her parents. Her delight as she explores this new medium of self expression is like the rainbow. 

And I sit and watch, and join her in her thrill of discovery. And feel so much gratitude for the chance. 

Swadha is two today!

Have you read this very short story?

A long time ago, in a small village there was a place called the house of thousand mirrors. 

A curious little puppy decided to visit and see it for himself. He peered in through the doorway to see a puppy staring back at him. He pushed the door open and walked in to find a thousand puppies looking his way curiously. 

He was absolutely ecstatic! His excited, happy barks and wagging tail were reciprocated in full measure by all other puppies. He left happier than he had come in. 

Another time, another puppy ventured into this house. He peered in through the door to see a dog looking at him cautiously. The puppy felt threatened and growled, ready to pounce in attack. To his dismay, he was faced with a thousand growling puppies ready to attack. He was petrified and quickly ran out the door promising himself never to return. 

Often, without consciously attempting it, I reflect on life to wrestle meanings out of seemingly obscure events, and I am increasingly convinced about the truth of this story : what you are is what you see in the world; what you see in the world is what you are.

So, the big question is what are you?

Today Swadha is two revolutions around the sun old. ("hapdayswadha" "hapdaybaby"). We were at a bookstore and someone had observed that for a parent the days are too long and the years too short. As I experience this for myself, I am hyperaware of needing to be a good example for her. ("Be what you want your baby to see in you")

I keep coming back to the big question. As I look for a good answer, I ripple into more questions.

Well.

I wish for her to continue to be forthright and brave, poetic and affectionate, musical and curious. I wish for her to teach me to be all those things as effortlessly as she is.

Thank you, little one.

Letting my fingers type this one...

.... I will not let my brain come in the way.

Once, I lent my ears and attention to a civil services aspirant's life snippet. It involved the abandonment of an unfinished examination to take a friend and fellow examinee to medical attention that was suddenly needed. The protagonist later found that his qualification for the coveted spot was left wanting of the paper left behind. I have often, quite often, too often in-fact,  tried to evaluate the heroics and the foolhardy of what had transpired. Also, I have wondered how the situation would play now, and with different actors.

Someone mentioned that her memory of me was that of a person always surrounded with people.    "...in which life?" I asked.

While I grow older and collect more life lessons, I find that my person is in an awkward dance of sometimes an outward unfolding and of others where I crease and tuck away an aspect of myself that does not surface again if I can help it.

In another conversation from the past, I remember mentioning to someone (this is verbatim) "...my honesty is my way of respecting the person that you are..." to which she said (not verbatim) "... not everyone you meet will be ready or able to receive the gift of your sincerity...". I was too young to know fully what that meant.

A few months ago, I confessed to a friend of having forgotten an important piece of news shared with me. While cowering under the fierce lashes of her vitriol, I forgot to provide an appropriate explanation:  that of being overwhelmed with new parent fatigue or of being unable to guess (as I interpret it) that her recent gregariousness was simply an escape.

If you know me well (or know me at all) perhaps you are aware that for me a raised voice is death-by-asphyxiation of a relationship. And that I go to great lengths to protect myself from the possibility of such accidents. So, after about a decade of clean, verbal-conflict-free living, I was trapped and crucified again. The experience was as disorienting as the last one.

In my desperation to recover, I comb through my list of acquaintances, some of whom were perhaps friend once, to find another friend, spreading little electronic notes like spores. It is quite comical - the disconnect between my eagerness and the polite sleepy replies, if at all.

It must be the unnavigable grief of losing a friend that brought me here. I will get better (let me get back to being busy with motherhood.)

noName post

Swadha is 8 months today. I write this as she sleeps on my lap, overwhelmed by the beauty and simplicity of this act of absolute acceptance from my baby.

Such bliss!

I often wish it hadn't taken me so long to appreciate the utility of butterfly-netting thought-butterflies into sentences. Oh well. This moment will have to suffice.

Elsewhere, I feel pressed to release this into the universe, with a hope that I will be able to channel into the answer I get, that I will not lose it in the cacophony of everyday.

Becoming older; it makes the time gone by more distant, like a platform that stays put as the train moves away. With some luck, this space offers the opportunity of dispassionate introspection. I try to connect experiences with life lessons, and to the current version of my being. Sometimes, I am able to make sense of an arbitrary section in my life's tapestry that continues to unfold.

I am often told I am nice. I don't know exactly what that means: am I nice because I am very accommodating of people's interpretation of themselves. Or perhaps I am nice simply because I make room (with space to spare) for HD-display of self-flattering self-images, offering nothing in the form of a challenge.

Recently, I was paralyzed into inaction at a crucial time-point. It is far from a first for me and I am unsure of how much of it is out of concern for inflicting pain or out of an undebatable lack of courage. I also hold myself accountable for legless rationalization for not standing up for myself, or on other occasions, for the person at the poor end of the bargain.

Once, I was onboard a local bus to get to the transport that would help me get to Delhi. The 20- minute bus-ride cost less than 10 rupees. A co-passenger who had paid with a note of much bigger denomination was handed a few coins as change. When he inquired about the rest of his money he was accused of lying and verbally pounded into silence by a volley of insults. I couldn't stop myself from speaking up, having witnessed the transaction. It was followed by a similar deluge of insults and name calling, only now directed at both of us. As a release of my indignance and the shock at the misappropriation, I deboarded the bus.

An earthquake had hit and damaged my innocent confidence in the correct workings of the world. After having reached college, I released my angst in-front of a friend. It was suggested that the victim had it coming to him, given his inability to defend himself. I remained unconvinced and agitated, and writing about it, now, fifteen years since, has airdropped me into my unsettled mind space that I work very hard to keep at bay.

I mention this because I have to find a way to not give this to my baby - the inability to stand up against adversity. It is hard. It needs to be done. 

Swadha

Not too long ago I was big and awkward in a passerby's-delight sort of way. The delight continues to be, except that it is Swadha now. Kindness, gentle smiles and encouraging glances from people not known to me make me happily weepy and my emotional oscillations are conveniently pouched within "it's the hormones".

"I am not convinced about the linearity of time. Sure, it is easier to math with when it is straight and comprehensible. It seems to me that there is a sub-particle-level affinity between time molecules, that they bunch up around some experiences and drift apart around some others. I was in the middle of untangling a handful of thoughts and all too suddenly was filled with a disquiet that moments have been passing too quickly. How do I keep a tiny piece of now, of this day, of this week. I do not want to enshrine anything, nor make a museum of memories for occasional visits..."

I had written these sentences as part of an unfinished post when Swadha would send movements of varying intensities at various times in the day for me to know she was there and she was coming. I had been overwhelmed by the fear of being too busy to allow myself to fully experience her in a way that was mine and mine alone. In retrospect, perhaps, I have been too busy to have savored the joy or too burdened by the physical exactingness of the process to find the mind space. Then again, the act of retrospection itself is often an exaggeratedly romanticized version of what was.

Swadha is just shy of four months; my island of happiness in midst of all that is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting; being a mother being one of them. I find myself going back to and rediscovering sound snippets I held dear as a young person. We share the joy of listening to them together through smiles and on some occasions with a gleeful chortle. There is so much beauty and truth in the time one gets to spend around little children and one should be so lucky to be able to witness the blossoming of an infant into a person.

Thank you, universe.

Vanilla ice-cream with strawberry sauce.

I am conflicted about writing, it requires focused soul searching, it leaves me out of breath, panting for air like immediately after a long intense run. Everything/everyone requires nurturing and affection - even your sub aspects - like your ability at sentence formation.

It's almost the end of another new year - moments get woven into hours that get twined into days that become yarn-ball of years in a mix of colors - red green yellow white grey blue - often blending into new colors when thought about retrospectively. Sometimes though, incidents are able to keep their original color even in the light of perceptions altered with the burden of life experiences.

Someone observed (and was harmlessly envious) of my life-pattern having very few, if any, soft turns - mostly I am seen navigating around and about acute-angled maneuvers in the 3-dimensional space. Things are not offered the luxury to become comfortable before they are flipped over and you have to start from (0,0,0) again. It is unsurprising that the (0,0,0) point is also a variable. One can argue that it keeps one agile, nimble on the feet, like a ballet dancer forever posed for her next pirouette. And then, also, a sapling trying to bloom into a tree in trans-planting pots. Where next? What next?

I forget what I started to write - I find myself being extra-contemplative lately, perhaps as a foolish escape from the urgency of work that I am running behind with or that I feel ill equipped to handle.

We lived in a small snooty island of Type5 officer's flats in Gol Market in midst of Type2 flats. Apartment2 had an open door policy for students linked to an adult in the family for upto n-degrees of separation. There was lots of room and little furniture, and therefore plenty of space for people. If you needed to be in Delhi for any reason (education-related reasons were priority), for any length of time (days-weeks-years) you could find food and board here.Very few questions asked, and parental supervision provided without asking.

The bustle was often that of a railway platform moments after the arrival of a train. People getting in or getting out at the same time, frayed nerves and a strong smell of urgent hanging in the breathing air. Having temporary family members was the norm. Perhaps it is the reason why I have not had trouble trusting and liking strangers till faced with a compelling reason to not. My current physical setting is in such contrast to my positively skewed comprehension of life that it makes me quite uncomfortable when cornered into providing reasons for being trusted. I don't do well in those situations.

The household operated on a threadbare budget of an honest government employee salary supplemented with that of another working adult employed in a government-owned company. I was too young to calculate, comprehend or care about the economics of running a household. The mothers of our big family seamlessly led us from one financial year to next. This involved a weekly trip to the local vegetable wholesale market at daybreak, around the time when street dogs chose to huddle around rags to keep warm instead of investing energy to intimidate passers-by. The blue scooter would come home laden with sacs of fresh vegetables that would be washed, dried and put away for use during the week. There was also a time when none of us in the family were averse to eating meat - which was expensive and unaffordable, however. When Ma's younger brother worked in Delhi and was naturally living under the shade of freely provided parental supervision, and would sometimes happily splurge to pamper the collective palate of us kids.

For a few years, my school had a policy of sending report cards through postal mail prior to meeting with the parents. So the weeks between the end of exams and declaration of results were full of worry for us students. Unsurprisingly, my sixth grade results were stellar without a lot of hard work on my part as I had had the advantage of ICSE schooling up-until class 5th before being suddenly transported to Delhi over a weekend. That year, a local ice-cream parlor ran a promotion that entitled students to two scoops of ice-cream for good grades.

On the weekend just after having received my result, Papa took me to Cafe 100% in Connaught Place. I  stood next to a very proud father and fished out my report card to show it to the person behind the counter for the (anticipated) yummy prize. As I write this, I can taste that particular bowl of vanilla ice-cream with strawberry sauce. It was my first time eating ice-cream with any topping and I remember how beautiful it looked to me. It was an experience of complete happiness and contentment. So real and so precious.

Thank you, universe.