a little note about today

Its 10/30 in India, and the last day of being at work for my father. He retires as the General Manager (Campus) for Center for Development of Telematics, Chattarpur, Delhi.

I love my Dad, he is my hero, my superman. I am not sure if the Maker will ever be able to create another one like him. He is like time, tireless, always on the move.

Omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient. He is all.

I know several stories of him as a child. I also know how he has been working, constantly working, since his teen, to ease the financial crunch that our family has faced in the past. He took tuitions to earn money, for his education, to run the household and for the education of his siblings. I think the condition of the family hasten adulthood for both him and my Bua, who are credited to have raised their little brothers and sister. My Grandfather had problems with his vision and my Grandma would usually accompany him to his treatments and operations that would sometimes take months.

I cant imagine what life must have been like for everyone then. I am such a protected child, so loved and so cared for. There are times when I forget to thank Goddess Durga for everything I have, I must be the luckiest daughter there ever was and will be.

He has shouldered the responsibility of taking care of three generations, the one preceding his, his own and the one after. I belong to the succeeding generation. We have only known a rosy life and can't handle hardships very well.

Hardship has taken a new meaning for my bunch. For instance, I have just completed my MS ( funded by my father with ALL his life savings) and I am looking for work. And I find it very distressing that I am unable to find anything even after months of search. This is hardship for me! (it sounds comical now when I am writing this). My focus in life is me! I feel so ridiculously selfish!

This post has again gone on a tangent!

last week of being a twenty seven year old...

On Monday next, I will be a 28 year old woman. It sounds strange, calling myself a woman, especially when I think of myself as more of a little girl who can be a girl at best.

I guess I do belong to that age bracket now, and have been here for a couple of years but still think it is inconsequential. When Soumya died in that freak accident/murder last year, all the newspapers mentioned it as the death of a 26 year old 'woman', and I was thinking, (among the million things I was thinking then), that had this been an article about me, I would have been called a woman too. What a sick thought ones mind can trick them into thinking.

This is not at all a happy post! I want to write more but it will have to wait till tomorrow I guess. I can feel the writer's block creeping in on me. Mine in not like the usual writer's block where it is a dead end of ideas. What happens instead is that tonnes of thoughts come tumbling out from a box in my mind I keep tightly shut, for reasons ranging from 'This-is-not-at-all-important' to 'I-lack-the-courage-to-face-the-truth-because-it-might-hurt-and-I-am-not-sure-how-strong-my walls-are-to-save-me-from-it'.

I don't understand the basis of my confidence in my sanity.