its november!

its the 11th day of a rainy rainy november..... and for those of us non americans, its veterans day... and a chutthi at school! 

so OFCOURSE i had big plans for my accomplishments for the day......... ( will finish course reading for Entre 510 class AND the case studies too! , will do CM 500 research work, will also finish CM 520 assignment and shoot the email thats was due two weeks ago today finally, get out of the house .... these walls weigh me down so much.... and blah blah blah........)

its funny how 27 years of existence have not been able to teach me an iota about time and how fleeting it is! 

i have done nothing. and the day is almost over! this is the description that will best suit most of my days ... add to it ( or subtract from it) a bunch of missing people, laughing like a loon, smiling to myself, being heartbroken about the most inane things, getting hopeful, feeling helpless........... god there's just so much to do! 

and i have done nothing. again. 

yup! thats me :)  ( and damn! thats me) 

soumya died

soumya died. and everything is going on like nothings wrong. 

soumya died. 

people die. and everything in the world goes on like nothings wrong. 

soumya died.

email

i have been wanting to write and then not again for obvious reasons, and also because the content of the same eludes me.


i am leaving for US on the 28th this month for my masters, and i wanted to tell you irrespective of whether you are interested or not.


i am truly sincerely seriously ashamed of my conduct, barging in on you and almost giving you a heart attack ( i had no intention of creating a scene, and wouldn't have managed to successfully even if i wanted to) ,endlessly calling you when you didn't want to speak with me, all the annoying messages (perils of technological advancements) ,and a call from a number you didn't know was mine ( it was not a trick to get you to talk to me, and its true however hard it is to believe.)


i was under a LOT of pressure to take a decision regarding my marriage and my acquaintance with you around the same time was worse off and causing me so much pain than when i had not known you at all. i was trying to find the courage to tell you about it but i couldn't. you have a way of making clear exactly what you don't want to hear and everytime i did manage to get you over the phone you sounded like a person so different from someone i had known over our conversations online. i am very sorry about the pathetic confession of love (!), it must have been hilarious.


i was expecting a completely different course of way for our acquaintence...the situation right now is a 180 degree flip to the pretty picture i had in mind.


whats the point of going there again right, that was the truth of the moment. i am sure you acted in your best interest and that cannot be held against you since i would also do the same. i just went completely overboard and i cant apologize enough. it was not right of me to make you the victim of my selfishness.


i liked myself best when i spoke to you, it was fantastic fun and it came so naturally to me, i could just not be the same person on the phone and DEFINITELY not in person. but thats hardly something you can decisions regarding life on. and being all grown up you definitely know these things so much better than what i ever will (this is what you think)


thank you for having known me. :) some of our conversations are in my happiest memory list. also i am hoping i have inconsequential enough to have not caused you any negative emotion.


i hope you are keeping well and your ma is doing good too. please get your eye problem fixed if it causes you pain. i have been wondering if your month long sabbatical was for a happy reason ( like your marriage ) and not for anything not so happy and i wanted to know (hahahahhaahahahahah whatever ! )


this has turned out longer than i expected it to be and i am not sure if it will be read till the end. i can just hope.


shalini


lots of more thing to write or say but pretty pointless. love.

and what do i write........?

and what do i write really....... i am at a complete loss of words..... (which is RARELY the case with me).... people i know tell me i am this person with whom one can have intense conversations about absolutely inconsequential things ...... and not in a complementy sort of way...... so i guess blogging is for the likes of us who can converse about things that dont matter at all.

ok i am really at a loss of words.