Marriage,Middle class and Me

CHAPTER 1

Someone I know read my blog and commented, "I read it through and it gave me the impression of being the object from Harry Potter in which Dumbledore puts all this thoughts to clear his head." (Pensieve, for the uninitiated)

Dumbledore: "I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."

Harry: "You mean... that stuff's your thoughts?"

Dumbledore: "Certainly."

I was S-U-P-E-R flattered, though I am not sure if it isn't applicable to most people who aren't looking to earn money from their blogs.

CHAPTER 2

Coming back to the original intention of this post, (and this has been up for being extracted out of my head for a long time now), we (the Family minus Pa who was in India then) were spending our Thanksgiving weekend at Santa Monica Pier. Earlier the same day we had driven down to San Diego from Los Angeles to meet relations of my sister-in-law. It had been a day well spent till a call from Pa mentioning, among other things, this boy he is keen that my brother look up for my (prospective) spouse. (Hopefully if things work out his daughter will be married soon.) (yay!)

I felt the bottom of my stomach hit the floor and drag the rest of me down with it. The nightmare was back with a bang!.....(it never misses one single time.) I can't exactly explain why or how, its just the whole shaadi-christmas-tree that gets me down.

CHAPTER 3

references to the artwork (!) above. ( I couldn't figure out how to bring it down to this chapter)

I have been thinking about the situation in graphical terms, I find it easier to explain things to myself using colors and shapes ( Yea, I AM twenty eight!). The biggest circle being the (bah!) THE middle class (a categorization that lends itself to multiple interpretations, but in this case is being employed as is.), on either side are circles representing marriage and me. Size and colors capture stereotypical associations, its not a very successful attempt. The lines that join these circles are representative of the connections. To elaborate, middle class and marriage are like peas and carrots, with almost a gravitational affinity between them. I hail from a family that was always very close to almost making its ends meet, though on the fair side of the equation.

And then there's me. (very-long-pregnant-uncomfortable-pause).

CHAPTER 4

Analysis of the problem

I don't ambition for a life like that. To the question, "like what", my answer would be, " I can't exactly explain". (But heres an attempt). When I try and imagine me in a domestic setting like what has my little cousins delirious with happiness, I draw a complete blank. I don't see myself standing on the fringes, the action in my life should be my own, and not a result of someone else's actions (I am not sure if I have been able to put across my point without coming out looking like a hctib.)

On the flip side, I do not understand the basis of my confidence in having a complete comprehension of the shaadi-christmas-tree. I am not sure if I am missing a whole lot, and then again its perhaps not fair to make a statement like that with so much conviction when I have nothing concrete to back it up with. I am surrounded with proofs of happy marriage (with one exception that almost knocked me out).

All I am asking for is the confidence that I see myself with someone for a substantial period of time, that I am willing to see things through and that I will be enthusiastic about wanting to make things work with the person.

I am not sure if this is asking for too much.

I have very little confidence in being a snug fit in a setting that all of the middle class setup sees their children in, I want to be a bigger contributor to my life than that. Am I being unreasonable for wanting this for myself? Sometimes I think I am and some other times it seems like the exact right thing to do.

Why do I lack faith! Maybe I am just imagining things to be more monstrous than they actually are. Maybe if I let go of the need to absolutely control everything about everything (or at least be an at-the-moment witness) about my life I will be better off? I don't know. What has perhaps killed it for me is that I have had a taste of living on my own terms and I will need a lot of convincing to revert to my original settings. I have felt so alive, so happy and so fresh that it has made me like me more. Almost as much as I want to like me and I want to like life.

My Christmas wish is to have more Faith, it is also my New Year resolution. Though I run out of my supplies pretty soon!