CHAPTER 1
Someone I know read my blog and commented, "I read it through and it gave me the impression of being the object from Harry Potter in which Dumbledore puts all this thoughts to clear his head." (Pensieve, for the uninitiated)
I was S-U-P-E-R flattered, though I am not sure if it isn't applicable to most people who aren't looking to earn money from their blogs.
CHAPTER 2
Coming back to the original intention of this post, (and this has been up for being extracted out of my head for a long time now), we (the Family minus Pa who was in India then) were spending our Thanksgiving weekend at Santa Monica Pier. Earlier the same day we had driven down to San Diego from Los Angeles to meet relations of my sister-in-law. It had been a day well spent till a call from Pa mentioning, among other things, this boy he is keen that my brother look up for my (prospective) spouse. (Hopefully if things work out his daughter will be married soon.) (yay!)
I felt the bottom of my stomach hit the floor and drag the rest of me down with it. The nightmare was back with a bang!.....(it never misses one single time.) I can't exactly explain why or how, its just the whole shaadi-christmas-tree that gets me down.
CHAPTER 3
references to the artwork (!) above. ( I couldn't figure out how to bring it down to this chapter)
I have been thinking about the situation in graphical terms, I find it easier to explain things to myself using colors and shapes ( Yea, I AM twenty eight!). The biggest circle being the (bah!) THE middle class (a categorization that lends itself to multiple interpretations, but in this case is being employed as is.), on either side are circles representing marriage and me. Size and colors capture stereotypical associations, its not a very successful attempt. The lines that join these circles are representative of the connections. To elaborate, middle class and marriage are like peas and carrots, with almost a gravitational affinity between them. I hail from a family that was always very close to almost making its ends meet, though on the fair side of the equation.
And then there's me. (very-long-pregnant-uncomfortable-pause).
CHAPTER 4
Analysis of the problem
I don't ambition for a life like that. To the question, "like what", my answer would be, " I can't exactly explain". (But heres an attempt). When I try and imagine me in a domestic setting like what has my little cousins delirious with happiness, I draw a complete blank. I don't see myself standing on the fringes, the action in my life should be my own, and not a result of someone else's actions (I am not sure if I have been able to put across my point without coming out looking like a hctib.)
On the flip side, I do not understand the basis of my confidence in having a complete comprehension of the shaadi-christmas-tree. I am not sure if I am missing a whole lot, and then again its perhaps not fair to make a statement like that with so much conviction when I have nothing concrete to back it up with. I am surrounded with proofs of happy marriage (with one exception that almost knocked me out).
All I am asking for is the confidence that I see myself with someone for a substantial period of time, that I am willing to see things through and that I will be enthusiastic about wanting to make things work with the person.
I am not sure if this is asking for too much.
I have very little confidence in being a snug fit in a setting that all of the middle class setup sees their children in, I want to be a bigger contributor to my life than that. Am I being unreasonable for wanting this for myself? Sometimes I think I am and some other times it seems like the exact right thing to do.
Why do I lack faith! Maybe I am just imagining things to be more monstrous than they actually are. Maybe if I let go of the need to absolutely control everything about everything (or at least be an at-the-moment witness) about my life I will be better off? I don't know. What has perhaps killed it for me is that I have had a taste of living on my own terms and I will need a lot of convincing to revert to my original settings. I have felt so alive, so happy and so fresh that it has made me like me more. Almost as much as I want to like me and I want to like life.
My Christmas wish is to have more Faith, it is also my New Year resolution. Though I run out of my supplies pretty soon!
Some how reached this page and started reading. After completing this I moved on for the next and at last completed all the blogs posted by you. At the end it just reflects how many different personalities we have and most importantly we are living them all at some point of time everyday.
ReplyDeleteThe thoughts reflected in orbitpanacea clearly indicates the confusing state among ourselves. I am also one of the them,so thought of putting some words here.
There are couple of things I have found common with my thoughts in your blog:-
1. My father is my hero.
2. I am also able to link myself as per your diagram.
3. I also want to live on my own.
4. Most importantly I also want to discover my own self.
But the following things contradict my sentiments and feelings:-
1. When we don't want to be like our hero, then what does a person's hero means? If we want to be like him, then why we are not able to do so?
2. Why not we are able to think that if our hero had also thought on the same line, then there would not be any existence of ours and offcourse these thoughts.
3.Why we are suspicious about marriage or a new person, that our live can be ruined? Are we so weak to let this happen?
4. Why we are fearing a third person or a environment can stop one to be herself/himself? Is there no individuality left within a person?
5. Why we are expecting a third person to change our live when we ourselves cann't able to do that?
At end of everything I am able to find two culprits:-
1. Alphabet "I".
This alphabet has become so big that it is not allowing other words, sentences (irrespective from where it is coming, why not from our hero itself), thoughts to enter within ourselves.
2. Expectation
Looking forward to opinions/ comments.
Thanks for sharing.
I find your contradictions very pertinent, and the questions made me think.
ReplyDeleteOn the question of whether one would want to be like their hero, I am not sure. I guess perhaps there are some aspects of one's hero that one would wish to see in themselves. For example, I would like to be as disciplined as my father, he is the master of himself. With me what happens is, whatever is my frame of mind at any point of time becomes my master and owns everything about me. (The word I am looking to explain this would be equanimity). I don't have that, at least not in quantities I wish I did.
Whats lets me mull over little things so much is the fact that I am not struggling to make ends meet, I shoulder no other responsibility than of my own and I have the luxury of options. My hero is very Gandhian in his outlook and was not entertaining thoughts about marriage till his Guru instructed him to do so. The story goes like this, my father was helping my Nana look for a suitable groom for my Ma.(The families had been acquainted with each other for generations). He was told that he had the responsibility of bringing two souls into existence, and his Guru gave him a mala meant for his bride to be. No one has been able to explain how it reached my mother and she wore it. This might sound totally outlandish, but I believe it to have happened. Perhaps I am looking for a sign as strong as this. This is where my lack of faith in the inexplicable comes into play.
I really like the way the third point has been articulated, its quite true and I quite agree. The only argument I can think of is that personally, my life has been so devoid of romance or something like it ( I have been in love, and you'd know that if you have read the blog through and through, but I have unfortunately not been loved back with the same fervor. I have been accused of being too intense, and I really can't help being the way I am.And since it has been pretty much a lonely journey so far, all I wish for is that whenever it happens, I am sure that this is the right thing to have happened and it couldn't be better than this. I wouldn't want it to be my last resort, I think that would be unfair to me and the person I will be expected to marry.
I have become so headstrong in the past few years that I will not be able to respond positively to expectations of keeping in check any aspect of me, and I am very aware that this can be my nemesis. But, currently, for the lack of anything else to support my viewpoint, this is where I stand.
The change you mention will be easy and more than willingly adopted if I do not approach a new acquaintance with the inhibitions I feel right now. All I am asking for, and asking from myself and no one else, is the confidence that I will happily do my bit in keeping the wheels oiled.
And I so totally agree with the expectation being the rogue who murders all thats good and sweet and natural. I don't know how to control that bit of me either, perhaps I need to talk things through with my Hero. =)
Thank you for your thoughts and your time. It is really appreciated.
Thanks for going through the questions and investing time for putting your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, whether it is an aquaintance or somthing else,my father is also a true follower of Gandhian thoughts.He has a complete control on anger, temparament and I wish I could have atleast 1% of that. I am aware wishes cann't be accomplished without a proper effort, but how to do? Most of the time we used to have long conversations, and just talking to him works like coolant to my anxieties.
I really liked the incident of your parent's marriage. I think our parents had no parameters while choosing their life partner and they just used to go with faith in almighty and were ready to mould themselves. They had that control. Wish we could also have.
My mind went to the chemistry lab after reading the sentence "bringing two souls into existence". I started comparing two different souls as two different chemicals or fluid and when they are reacting with each other to gain a new identity (after marriage), these two different fluids are ready to mould themselves as per the new vessel where both will start this new journey.
Are we ready to moulde ourselves? I don't know, but our parents was.
You are really good in accepting and realising things. But I am not agree with your statement that you are headstrong. As per my understanding, a headstrong person will never accept his/her fault.You have realization of your acts, unless a person will not want to change himself/herself, why he/she will take a path of realization, which will offcourse show your real face to yourself.
For the void in life I used to question myself the following:-
1. How many childrens got good parents like us? Answer will be very less.
2. How many are able to find their hero in their parents? Are we not lucky in this case also?
3. How many used to "talk things through with their Hero".(Is every body's hero so easily approachable)?
4. How many got parent like us, who are thinking for our happiness and life, not for theirs. They are ready to face to any situation for our happiness.
If we will consider the above points we are really lucky and most importantly there is no contribution of ourselves in becoming their children. Should we not thank to almighty for all this we got wihout any effort, rather complaining for not getting the other things.
One of my friend has a very straight approach for his life. He always used to say, I have only two option:-
1. Be happy.
2. Be not happy.
And there is no point in going with the second one. This approach has really helped in coming out of many idiotic things.
My realization of life tells me most of the events which hurted us was due to our approach to that particular event. We didn't approached the event as a neutral person, our prestige & pride was always attached.Many thing we did just to compete with the surroundings. Our identity is so small that we always want to prove ourselves among others, that "I" exists.
I think we were lucky to have parents like ours, not sure how future generation will be and in what state they will be at our age. Will we able to make ourselves their hero?
I don't know...........this a big void in my future life.
We really need a lot more conversation with our hero, but how long we will have this privilege? We all know man is not immortal. Are we in a position to accept and realize this?
Thanks for stating this and helping me also to take out these things out of my mind.Please ignore the lines what ever don't apply to you, these are more than 100% personal/sentimental opinion.
Thanks again....