Where have you been?

I was listening to Mirza Ghalib while driving home from work a few days ago and I was reminded of that version of me who could empathize so deeply with someone's confusion, anguish and even joy. And then I was thinking about where that person might be hiding inside me, that person who did not constantly feel burdened by the nothings of everyday, tired and hungry, forever pining for that cup of cardamom tea and some silent contemplation. The person who liked herself best while savoring words, sentences, paragraphs - woven from thoughts old and new - thoughts she could call her own or thoughts of someone else that spoke to her like they could be her own. 

Sometime ago, I spoke to a dear one who asked when I expect to finish up writing the book that I should start writing - perhaps it was a nudge for acknowledging the me that used words for a soul cleanse. I have not embarked on such an exercise (here, in this space) in such a long time now that I was awestruck by the question itself and surprised by its impact on me. Quite suddenly felt an urgent need to fish that person out from wherever she might be. I read some things I had written several years ago. It is unlikely that I am exactly the same person, unaffected by life and its learnings. But, it was reassuring to find similarities between what I had written and what I am now. 

Recently, finally, I earned my Doctorate. After being unable to be done the first time, I had enrolled in a different program at a different university, solely relying on the confidence of everyone around me. This time around, there was more honesty in my purpose for wanting to do research - it was not just as an escape from what I did not want to do. Also this time, it was not the only thing I was doing - there were additional and entirely new aspects of marriage, motherhood, work and money-related realities holding me close. 

Among all the things that make life beautiful is the fact that everything is on a sliding scale - meaning the calibration for what is happening in the present moment is informed by all the moments previous to this one. One cannot help but feel grateful for this superpower. 

My PhD is being celebrated in different parts of the world! ("We always knew...", "..coming your way sooner or later..", "... what an accomplishment..."). Someone asked if I feel vindicated now. I thought about it and finally arrived at my answer - no. "why?" ... because the two attempts are separate events for me - I am not the same person, my expectations were not the same, my approach was not the same. I was (am) more humble, more aware, more certain. 

To the universe and my friends: ( I wrote this as part of my acknowledgement) "thank you for lending me your strength when you found me lacking"