something. something nebulous.

Today, I was just ambling around in my mind (whats new?), and my brain drew a picture for me explaining how it functions. It was strange to see it graphically, but it made sense when I added the missing bits. I wanted to write it down in words.(I am not promising that this will make a lot of sense.)


One of my resolutions for the new year was to document each day before my goodnights; all the significant (or not) things that I feel would be nice to look back at, stuff like the food I eat or something I notice....just about anything I my fingers want to write in one page or more of a square notebook. The insides of my head feel scrubbed clean post spending some time outside of me (when I am writing about the day). 


Lately, the entries have become sporadic and I have begun to bunch a couple of days up and write about them in a single go. Its a terrible terrible thing to do, because I miss a lot of details that I would have otherwise written, and most of my entries begin thus, 'I have no recollection of what happened that day (so I will make some stuff up)....' 


This defeats the purpose of keeping a journal. But I know me, and I know me very well. I find it impossible to stick to a good habit and require jet propellant thrust to get me off my procrastinating butt. 


What flashed in front of my eyes was this; after I have poured my mind out, the next time I am binging on thoughts (its involuntary, a sand-clock that is programed to flip over every-time the lower chamber fills up) (This is beginning to not make sense already) 


So, the next time when thoughts knock around in me, they scribble themselves on a fresh page (in my head), with a sharp pencil (again in my head). Eventually,with thought overload, the scribble becomes illegible, the pencil becomes blunt, and my head feels heavier. Thought strings get entangled and lose legibility, and are pretty much ready to burst out of me. Usually at such moments I am absolutely willing to trade my brain for a new, tame one. The pattern is recurring, with no set time limit for any aspect of this phenomenon. 


The point is,(I think), that it will be nice if I get into the habit of regular clean-ups of my mind. I think I owe it to myself. I am very heartless while dealing with me, and this can perhaps be my first step towards being less cruel. I could also try and accomplish this with better accountability of my time, but I cannot claim to have lately done anything about this more than a couple of half hearted attempts. I keep telling myself that I will be back to being me once I engage myself in something productive (like a job, for instance). 


I don't have a concluding statement for this post.