here again!

I cannot exactly tell when I started to write to be read. I was reading my posts a few days ago and it hit me hard, that I had given-in to the pressure of being a sunflower on my blog. Perhaps it is another reason why I have stopped coming here as often as I did at one point in time (I had decided to write at least one post each week, managed it in January, reasoned with myself that two posts weren't too bad for February, it was a short month after all, and that March will see more of me here.)


Well.


I am also behind on my (ahem!) daily journal entries by a couple of weeks now. Everyday that I miss (or deliberately chicken out of writing) takes me further away from the hopes of ever being able to catch up. (My enthusiasm falls behind quickly when I am unable to do something in the exact manner in which I idealize it.) I cannot boast of an enviable success rate.


There has been a dichotomy of sorts in my approach to keeping a blog. I had started with the desire to keep everyone I know abreast with everything thats happening with me (I abandoned it, it was just too much work and I already had enough on my plate with my studies and living on my own for the first time in twenty something years.) I decided to use it to clear my head (it was all hush-hush, no one knew, I had it hidden from showing up in search results.) It proved quite effective, especially when even a visit to the UW art gallery didn't help.


I changed my blog settings on just an impulse one day. I am not exactly sure how I feel about it. While its not a life altering event by any measure, I am unable to use this as a release anymore. Perhaps the medium was wrong to begin with. (In my defense, since Architecture happened, my fingers can hold a pencil and draw more effectively than write; and with the fraction of my day spent in-front of my computer, it just seemed like an easy thing to do.)


Perhaps, perhaps not.


I don't like being the subject of photographs, am slightly uncomfortable with the attention they garner (I am hoping the innocence with which I have penned this will be appreciated, and not perceived as a 'hence-proved' of my conceit.) No one likes bad pictures, and its especially difficult for women to handle their unflattering documentation. I am very proud of the moment when I stopped buckling under the pressure of looking nice in photos.


I will *really* *really* welcome a similar breakthrough in my writing.