I turn twenty nine

Its my birthday in India! and will be my birthday in the US in eight hours one minute for the time zone where I live. I don't know why I am writing this post. I am sitting in my rented room, feeling so alone at this very moment. There's only the wall clock ticking away seconds from this day and the sound of my fingertips hitting the keys to write the words my mind is dictating. A lot of these keys have similar sounds, and a lot of them have very distinct sounds. I've noticed this on other occasions too, but the sounds seem to be filling the silence around me more completely right now. 


I wish to hide myself from the love that will come my way, especially tomorrow. I feel so unworthy of it. I've felt on several occasions that I am not doing a great job growing older. There's come to be a strange (almost alien, for where I come from) desire to keep myself as the starting point of all that concerns me. What I want, how I want it, comes first. (When did I become so selfish, I wasn't taught to live this way)  Everything else comes second, third, fourth, or not at all. 


I just read an email from my father. I never knew Arial font could hold so much affection. Actually I do, Pa regularly writes to me. He fleetingly mentions a few moments from my childhood, they are such small insignificant stories, but he has talked about them with so much pride it just makes me question if I deserve so much unconditional love. 


I think I will call him right now.