my second last day in Fremont

School begins on Monday. (ouch!) 

so today (its past midnight) is the last complete day i spend here. though not every minute of this trip has been memorable (its been nightmarish in some sense), its just so much easier being home... everything is a prettier sight to eyes :P 

its been a heartbreaking day. and i willed it, so i have only myself to blame.... picking on a wound that was healing (or so i tell myself) .... i bled myself raw.

relieved every single episode. it was not happy at all. my guess was right (who was i kidding trying to believe otherwise) i am happy about him being happy. i am so broken about myself. 

so tomorrow will have to be a particularly busy day, with no room for my mind to trap me like it did today. i have so many things to look at and do, i will keep me occupied. 

(good luck with that!)

first day of navratra, March 20009

i just realized i have been writing bits for the past four days... that's almost a single most consistent thing i have done for a long long time....( ya, i am flaky , very flaky)

its the first day of Navratra, i started the day with eating aaloo matar, roti and achaar for lunch ( i wasn't up for breakfast) and my evening meal was turkey kabab and chicken biryani with a glass of red wine. 

( and that's strange because? )

i am the offspring of a seriously Hindu family. we are very particular about our auspicious days and follow religiously whatever is the norm. 

so what has been out of whack this time around is the fact that i not only ate a dish containing onion and an achaar that mainly comprised of garlic for a meal, i committed the sin of also eating meat and drinking alcohol. 

i am going to hell i tell you :P 

on a serious note, i don't follow the norms because i have to, i do it because i want to. i think its one of the important ways i can keep me rooted to where i come from and my customs. its a very small thing, but i attach a lot of importance to it.  

another great thing today was something Pa said over the phone. " if you have to tell me something, you dont say it your way; you say it in the manner that i will understand"....what a wonderful lesson, like a capsule that does its job. 

i feel wiser. helpless in my current situation, but wiser. 

a general wonder.

here's a general wonder....

i have always thought (!) i know myself well, i know the sunniest me and the darkest me ( and when they come and when they go, and also, usually how long they stay. )

but somethings are now making me believe otherwise ... and paralyzing me in the process. i think i am made of very basic elements (at least i would like to think so) ... i dont understand complex emotions and/or situations, much less the same in a body. 

and i don't know what to do ... i am being told i am something which i am sure i am not ... ( and thats the reason for the question above ) theres nothing i can particularly write in defence or support. 

its crazy how you can let your fingers decide what to write, and then not again since my mind is speaking aloud everything that i am writing.

isnt that the looniest sentence you have ever read? 

i am so looking forward to going to school, i will be busy and will not have to deal with issues beyond my comprehension.  

(i feel) wonderful

there's this song, it seems to have been written sitting inside my head... almost. the words are in the exact frequency as i am... and it sometimes makes me think how similar we all are, we experience the same things ( though not necessarily in the same order and of course to varying degrees) 

and that words are so incredibly potent...its astounding the kind of power there is in them ( i am left speechless; e v e r y t i m e. )

this is perhaps the corniest blog so far, but i really wanted to put those words down ( i got them off a website, and the specific lines i like are in bold and italicized) 

Wonderful - Annie Lennox.

I wanna have you 'Cause you're all I've got
Don't wanna lose you 'Cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here ...
Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool?
To fall in love with someone who
Doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure...

But I feel... Wonderful
Yes I feel... Wonderful

God, it makes me be so blue Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here Look at me Where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin' In my hands?
Do you want me? Do you not?
Does it feel cold baby? Does it feel hot?
I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where I'm at
Thinkin' bout you every day
How come I was made that way?
It's so surreal...

But I feel... wonderful
Yes I feel ... wonderful

today, the 24th of March, 2009

its an eventful day, and i want to list them down before that get glossed over or tossed into the memory wastebasket.

1. the Delhi police claims to have solved Soumya's murder case. and its funny i still cant believe i am writing this. wont she be just on the other side of the phone when i call her when i am back in India? how long would it have been before I'd have called? i don't know, i am not sure. 

part two is completely not related in any which way to the first part.

2. ..... so today i was accused of being a conniving sneaky calculative bitch... (not my first time i assure you) ... but for the first time from someone whose opinion is important... and it therefore hurt like slashed wrists, unattended. the allegation was so over-the-top that i froze.

"i am innocent!!!" i wanted to scream. but i suck at self defense. 

so i mumbled something in self defense (how on earth can one do that after being guillotined.)

o and here's a little confession. i have an opinion on somethings that are pertinent but i choose to keep them under wraps (why let the bats out, when peace can prevail) but it was never really important or shredded in great depths. but nothing (and i swear on all things pure) and never with a black heart, never with an intention to establish superiority, never to prove my upper hand (do i have one?), never to be disparaging, never to say something i wasn't already saying in words.

how does one deal with this? i know not. and i am a fool. 

we are different, while i don't think too much of a few things, certain other things are so beautiful that it JUST does NOT matter! (it matters a little, but that too is relative to time)

o, also for the record, it was pointed to me, the many things being done for my comfort and benefit and how i was being insulting in someone else's house... and my innocence was a bad pretence at being.

i pledge to not talk about this again. the reason for this blog entry. i want to write more, but words fail me and i hate a faltering relationship with language.