I cannot live like this.

I have been gifted with a brain that I have lofty expectations from. For starters, I expect it to hold far more than what is fair, really.

I tend to lock things up into little boxes and chuck them into what I would have ideally liked to be a black hole in my mind. But, to my utter disappointment and dismay, the black hole in actually a malfunctioning blender, it keeps throwing things into my face from time to time.

Back in 1999, I took my first Art of Living course (completely my father's idea) (Like everyone else, I was also trying to get the answers to life's mysteries single handedly). I was perhaps the youngest in that bunch of really old, consistently-unhappy-with-life people, and therefore not exactly one of them. But I was there anyway.

For one of the group exercises, we were required to narrate our life stories for the benefit of our immediate audience. Poor me had all but only 17 years of experience at living life (and would therefore be expected to have the shortest life story)

BUT it was I who spoke for the longest, poured my heart out, and cried profusely.

My narration was totally about the fears I faced after my Nana's demise. I was in 8th grade when we lost him. I started believing fervently that I had to pray every night before going off to sleep to keep everyone I knew away from any kind of harm. I also distinctly remember that the days when I would miss out on this, I would be paralyzed with fear, expecting to hear bad news.

This insanity did not stay with me for long (Several other kinds on insanity have creeped in since, but this one in particular soon ended)

What was totally surprising to me about this incident was that I had no idea I had this in me, it was only after I had talked about it (and it wasn't a conscious decision to do so) that I could acknowledge its existence.

The malfunctioning blender spilled its guts again today. And made a fine mess.

I am afraid I cant live like this. I also pray for better confrontation skills. And a break from me.