Marriage,Middle class and Me

CHAPTER 1

Someone I know read my blog and commented, "I read it through and it gave me the impression of being the object from Harry Potter in which Dumbledore puts all this thoughts to clear his head." (Pensieve, for the uninitiated)

Dumbledore: "I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."

Harry: "You mean... that stuff's your thoughts?"

Dumbledore: "Certainly."

I was S-U-P-E-R flattered, though I am not sure if it isn't applicable to most people who aren't looking to earn money from their blogs.

CHAPTER 2

Coming back to the original intention of this post, (and this has been up for being extracted out of my head for a long time now), we (the Family minus Pa who was in India then) were spending our Thanksgiving weekend at Santa Monica Pier. Earlier the same day we had driven down to San Diego from Los Angeles to meet relations of my sister-in-law. It had been a day well spent till a call from Pa mentioning, among other things, this boy he is keen that my brother look up for my (prospective) spouse. (Hopefully if things work out his daughter will be married soon.) (yay!)

I felt the bottom of my stomach hit the floor and drag the rest of me down with it. The nightmare was back with a bang!.....(it never misses one single time.) I can't exactly explain why or how, its just the whole shaadi-christmas-tree that gets me down.

CHAPTER 3

references to the artwork (!) above. ( I couldn't figure out how to bring it down to this chapter)

I have been thinking about the situation in graphical terms, I find it easier to explain things to myself using colors and shapes ( Yea, I AM twenty eight!). The biggest circle being the (bah!) THE middle class (a categorization that lends itself to multiple interpretations, but in this case is being employed as is.), on either side are circles representing marriage and me. Size and colors capture stereotypical associations, its not a very successful attempt. The lines that join these circles are representative of the connections. To elaborate, middle class and marriage are like peas and carrots, with almost a gravitational affinity between them. I hail from a family that was always very close to almost making its ends meet, though on the fair side of the equation.

And then there's me. (very-long-pregnant-uncomfortable-pause).

CHAPTER 4

Analysis of the problem

I don't ambition for a life like that. To the question, "like what", my answer would be, " I can't exactly explain". (But heres an attempt). When I try and imagine me in a domestic setting like what has my little cousins delirious with happiness, I draw a complete blank. I don't see myself standing on the fringes, the action in my life should be my own, and not a result of someone else's actions (I am not sure if I have been able to put across my point without coming out looking like a hctib.)

On the flip side, I do not understand the basis of my confidence in having a complete comprehension of the shaadi-christmas-tree. I am not sure if I am missing a whole lot, and then again its perhaps not fair to make a statement like that with so much conviction when I have nothing concrete to back it up with. I am surrounded with proofs of happy marriage (with one exception that almost knocked me out).

All I am asking for is the confidence that I see myself with someone for a substantial period of time, that I am willing to see things through and that I will be enthusiastic about wanting to make things work with the person.

I am not sure if this is asking for too much.

I have very little confidence in being a snug fit in a setting that all of the middle class setup sees their children in, I want to be a bigger contributor to my life than that. Am I being unreasonable for wanting this for myself? Sometimes I think I am and some other times it seems like the exact right thing to do.

Why do I lack faith! Maybe I am just imagining things to be more monstrous than they actually are. Maybe if I let go of the need to absolutely control everything about everything (or at least be an at-the-moment witness) about my life I will be better off? I don't know. What has perhaps killed it for me is that I have had a taste of living on my own terms and I will need a lot of convincing to revert to my original settings. I have felt so alive, so happy and so fresh that it has made me like me more. Almost as much as I want to like me and I want to like life.

My Christmas wish is to have more Faith, it is also my New Year resolution. Though I run out of my supplies pretty soon!

a little note about today

Its 10/30 in India, and the last day of being at work for my father. He retires as the General Manager (Campus) for Center for Development of Telematics, Chattarpur, Delhi.

I love my Dad, he is my hero, my superman. I am not sure if the Maker will ever be able to create another one like him. He is like time, tireless, always on the move.

Omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient. He is all.

I know several stories of him as a child. I also know how he has been working, constantly working, since his teen, to ease the financial crunch that our family has faced in the past. He took tuitions to earn money, for his education, to run the household and for the education of his siblings. I think the condition of the family hasten adulthood for both him and my Bua, who are credited to have raised their little brothers and sister. My Grandfather had problems with his vision and my Grandma would usually accompany him to his treatments and operations that would sometimes take months.

I cant imagine what life must have been like for everyone then. I am such a protected child, so loved and so cared for. There are times when I forget to thank Goddess Durga for everything I have, I must be the luckiest daughter there ever was and will be.

He has shouldered the responsibility of taking care of three generations, the one preceding his, his own and the one after. I belong to the succeeding generation. We have only known a rosy life and can't handle hardships very well.

Hardship has taken a new meaning for my bunch. For instance, I have just completed my MS ( funded by my father with ALL his life savings) and I am looking for work. And I find it very distressing that I am unable to find anything even after months of search. This is hardship for me! (it sounds comical now when I am writing this). My focus in life is me! I feel so ridiculously selfish!

This post has again gone on a tangent!

last week of being a twenty seven year old...

On Monday next, I will be a 28 year old woman. It sounds strange, calling myself a woman, especially when I think of myself as more of a little girl who can be a girl at best.

I guess I do belong to that age bracket now, and have been here for a couple of years but still think it is inconsequential. When Soumya died in that freak accident/murder last year, all the newspapers mentioned it as the death of a 26 year old 'woman', and I was thinking, (among the million things I was thinking then), that had this been an article about me, I would have been called a woman too. What a sick thought ones mind can trick them into thinking.

This is not at all a happy post! I want to write more but it will have to wait till tomorrow I guess. I can feel the writer's block creeping in on me. Mine in not like the usual writer's block where it is a dead end of ideas. What happens instead is that tonnes of thoughts come tumbling out from a box in my mind I keep tightly shut, for reasons ranging from 'This-is-not-at-all-important' to 'I-lack-the-courage-to-face-the-truth-because-it-might-hurt-and-I-am-not-sure-how-strong-my walls-are-to-save-me-from-it'.

I don't understand the basis of my confidence in my sanity.

how the heart breaks....(over little things)

its a Wednesday, i was up very early for this paper that i had to turn in today, i think i managed ok, (well), AND i was in eager anticipation of what the day would hold for me, (a glance, a smile, a conversation.) it had been four days (and four days seem so long!)

:) 

.... and it held a little heart break. the kind that one goes through so many times a silly starry eyed teenager...its innocent and oh-so-heartwarming in third person, or, in retrospect.

i am 27 years, 6 months, 10 days old... and i am unable to shirk that unhappy feeling. 

i have a million things i need to get done today (who doesn't)... but it all seems dwarfed by the hurt i feel with that little hope of something foolish to come true having been stolen from me, and that foolish expectation was just a glance or a smile or an innocuous little conversation. 

my feelgood-happy-clothes and earrings aren't helping either.

perhaps i need to get busy. 

Spring, 2009

we are two weeks into the NEW quarter already (although it already feels like a lifetime, and honestly, that has a lot to do with a million things on my mind.) 

how i wish i had a brain that was somewhat passive, that lived in the moment, that wasn't in a constant struggle with occurances of the moments long history, or the fear of whats up with the time ahead. 

how i wish i did not have a brain.

(but) if i did NOT have a brain, how would i work for the tonne of stuff that require my attention this school quarter? 

i need help, i need magic, i need both. 

my second last day in Fremont

School begins on Monday. (ouch!) 

so today (its past midnight) is the last complete day i spend here. though not every minute of this trip has been memorable (its been nightmarish in some sense), its just so much easier being home... everything is a prettier sight to eyes :P 

its been a heartbreaking day. and i willed it, so i have only myself to blame.... picking on a wound that was healing (or so i tell myself) .... i bled myself raw.

relieved every single episode. it was not happy at all. my guess was right (who was i kidding trying to believe otherwise) i am happy about him being happy. i am so broken about myself. 

so tomorrow will have to be a particularly busy day, with no room for my mind to trap me like it did today. i have so many things to look at and do, i will keep me occupied. 

(good luck with that!)

first day of navratra, March 20009

i just realized i have been writing bits for the past four days... that's almost a single most consistent thing i have done for a long long time....( ya, i am flaky , very flaky)

its the first day of Navratra, i started the day with eating aaloo matar, roti and achaar for lunch ( i wasn't up for breakfast) and my evening meal was turkey kabab and chicken biryani with a glass of red wine. 

( and that's strange because? )

i am the offspring of a seriously Hindu family. we are very particular about our auspicious days and follow religiously whatever is the norm. 

so what has been out of whack this time around is the fact that i not only ate a dish containing onion and an achaar that mainly comprised of garlic for a meal, i committed the sin of also eating meat and drinking alcohol. 

i am going to hell i tell you :P 

on a serious note, i don't follow the norms because i have to, i do it because i want to. i think its one of the important ways i can keep me rooted to where i come from and my customs. its a very small thing, but i attach a lot of importance to it.  

another great thing today was something Pa said over the phone. " if you have to tell me something, you dont say it your way; you say it in the manner that i will understand"....what a wonderful lesson, like a capsule that does its job. 

i feel wiser. helpless in my current situation, but wiser. 

a general wonder.

here's a general wonder....

i have always thought (!) i know myself well, i know the sunniest me and the darkest me ( and when they come and when they go, and also, usually how long they stay. )

but somethings are now making me believe otherwise ... and paralyzing me in the process. i think i am made of very basic elements (at least i would like to think so) ... i dont understand complex emotions and/or situations, much less the same in a body. 

and i don't know what to do ... i am being told i am something which i am sure i am not ... ( and thats the reason for the question above ) theres nothing i can particularly write in defence or support. 

its crazy how you can let your fingers decide what to write, and then not again since my mind is speaking aloud everything that i am writing.

isnt that the looniest sentence you have ever read? 

i am so looking forward to going to school, i will be busy and will not have to deal with issues beyond my comprehension.  

(i feel) wonderful

there's this song, it seems to have been written sitting inside my head... almost. the words are in the exact frequency as i am... and it sometimes makes me think how similar we all are, we experience the same things ( though not necessarily in the same order and of course to varying degrees) 

and that words are so incredibly potent...its astounding the kind of power there is in them ( i am left speechless; e v e r y t i m e. )

this is perhaps the corniest blog so far, but i really wanted to put those words down ( i got them off a website, and the specific lines i like are in bold and italicized) 

Wonderful - Annie Lennox.

I wanna have you 'Cause you're all I've got
Don't wanna lose you 'Cause it means a lot
All the joy this world can bring
Doesn't give me anything
When you're not here ...
Idiot me
Stupid fool
How could you be
So uncool?
To fall in love with someone who
Doesn't really care for you
It's so obscure...

But I feel... Wonderful
Yes I feel... Wonderful

God, it makes me be so blue Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here Look at me Where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin' In my hands?
Do you want me? Do you not?
Does it feel cold baby? Does it feel hot?
I wanna hold you
And be so held back
Don't wanna need you
But it's where I'm at
Thinkin' bout you every day
How come I was made that way?
It's so surreal...

But I feel... wonderful
Yes I feel ... wonderful

today, the 24th of March, 2009

its an eventful day, and i want to list them down before that get glossed over or tossed into the memory wastebasket.

1. the Delhi police claims to have solved Soumya's murder case. and its funny i still cant believe i am writing this. wont she be just on the other side of the phone when i call her when i am back in India? how long would it have been before I'd have called? i don't know, i am not sure. 

part two is completely not related in any which way to the first part.

2. ..... so today i was accused of being a conniving sneaky calculative bitch... (not my first time i assure you) ... but for the first time from someone whose opinion is important... and it therefore hurt like slashed wrists, unattended. the allegation was so over-the-top that i froze.

"i am innocent!!!" i wanted to scream. but i suck at self defense. 

so i mumbled something in self defense (how on earth can one do that after being guillotined.)

o and here's a little confession. i have an opinion on somethings that are pertinent but i choose to keep them under wraps (why let the bats out, when peace can prevail) but it was never really important or shredded in great depths. but nothing (and i swear on all things pure) and never with a black heart, never with an intention to establish superiority, never to prove my upper hand (do i have one?), never to be disparaging, never to say something i wasn't already saying in words.

how does one deal with this? i know not. and i am a fool. 

we are different, while i don't think too much of a few things, certain other things are so beautiful that it JUST does NOT matter! (it matters a little, but that too is relative to time)

o, also for the record, it was pointed to me, the many things being done for my comfort and benefit and how i was being insulting in someone else's house... and my innocence was a bad pretence at being.

i pledge to not talk about this again. the reason for this blog entry. i want to write more, but words fail me and i hate a faltering relationship with language.